can barely open my eyez tis morning...

guess wat time i slept last nite..4am...
i couldnt sleep...my mind was so sleepy bt my body doesnt wanna sleep...
so ok..i off9 early...told ppl i wanna clear my drawer bt i didnt do tat...
i didnt wanna be alone...
i wanted to chat wif someone..
bt who will on9 wif me till 4?
so pretended i wanted to go lor...
sat in frnt of my cupboard mirror...stare at myself...
inside i was asking myself wat i did tat made me deserve all this...
yesterday...i finally got the answer that i was looking for maybe a few years ago...
the day finally came..i didnt see it coming...
my question was answered...kinda satisfied but i feel odd...
couldnt stop tinking about wat i heard (typed for tis case)....
wat does it mean to me? well..it means a lot to me and that person means alot to me tooo..
wat happened a few years back..tat was someting new..someting i never tot i will do...
i never regret wat i did...i was glad for sometimes apart from all the darkness i got from it...
wat my ex said last nite really shocked me i tink..
i was speechless..i couldnt react to wat i saw...
i just stared at the comp...i was really happy actually...
then again...how can i be happy? im so lost here...
wat would u do if u were in my shoes? u have someone who luvs u so deep tat without u life is meaningless..and the other one is ure past....when past and present come together...it clashes!
i dun wan a clash...i wan someting tat i can have....tat i can relate my life to...
my present treats me so good i feel the guilt in me..but having kept my past in me for tis long adds up to more guilt and now i have no idea where i stand...
now i wanna noe one more thing..if i were still wif my ex and we are seperated like we are now...im here and the other is going somewhere else..will the r/s carry on?
or will we be seperated like wat u are gonna do to ure current gf?
u noe ah..i told one of my close web fren and she accused me of being a third party...
it really got me upset...i am not a biatch...i dun ruin ppl's r/s....i just screw my own...
she said i made them seperate...and not oni tat when i told her tat my ex tink the feeling of luv is gone for the gf...she said im the one who caused it...
far out!! i have noting to do wif this...i gave them my best wishes and now im the biatch??
i cant stop my tears from flowing lor...i have never been told off like tat b4..not for someting i didnt do!! i dun wish for them to seperate but they are so wat has it gotta do wif me?
i dun wish to go on toking about tis but i need to get it off my chest...
i said i made my mistakes and i paid it off..and she tot i use money and pay!! wat the hell...its a phrase and u tink i use money to buy a r/s!
if u dun understand wat im saying..dun simply accuse me...dis is the first and final time im gonna tok to u like tis...im sorry to have even told u anything..i tot u were gonna stand up for me bt instead u betrayed our frenship..enuf crap for one day!! u screwed my happy moments!!
someting i once have is no longer mine...i cant buy it off e-bay thankiu very much....
i cant auction for it either...its someting money cant buy....
i oni wished we could start a whole...
then we didnt have to end up like this..
where's faith when u need it most?